I'll see you when we get there

i'm here, reflecting on the past five years.
it has been a long journey, and i feel that i have come a long way. but i also know there is a lot of work to be done. i miss those that are gone, and those that are here but are not around.
i remember the phone calls. i remember the voices that told me. shaky, in shock, and somehow vacant. the voice that you use when all you can do is survive. when people ask you how you are and the reflexive, "i'm doin' alright, you?" automatically comes out. you operate like a robot, all programmed, no impulse, no creativity, no emotion. because once one emotion comes out, they pour out in a release that cannot be stopped.

fall
recover
fall
recover
fall
recover

you get a little more removed each time so that when you fall, you barely feel it anymore. you just know the familiar thud against the ground. you hear the familiar sounds of your life rushing by uncontrollably.

i come from a place where the young die unjustly. i come from a place where people kill each other and kill themselves. where violence is so deeply rooted in our culture that we begin to take it out on ourselves. the violence turns inward and it keeps going.