traveling through the mental landscape

it's time once again to evaluate my personal journey.
this summer has been a whirlwind adventure emotionally, geographically, and mentally. my limits have been tested and it has come to my attention that i no longer have the capacity for bullshit.
i have driven between Los Angeles and San Francisco at least half a dozen times in the past 4 months. the 6+ hour drive gives you a lot of time to think, as if you are not already lost in your head half the time. my car does not have air conditioning. driving in 95 degree weather for that long with nothing but warm air blowing on you really makes you value simple things in life. if you are ever in a situation similar to that, i suggest closing the windows and turning off the fan for 3 minutes. you will sweat and maybe even get dizzy. but open that window after those 3 minutes and i guarantee, its the best thing you've ever felt. it's not healthy to do this drive with such frequency, nor is it financially advisable with the current gas prices, but like my mom says, "love is supposed to make you retarded".
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i did it for boy. and i don't regret it one bit.

i traveled to the south of france for nearly a month. i have never been there and i speak very little french. it was a test of the mind over there in france. i have never been away from my friends or family for that long, i have always had one or the other. i was with my boss and her two amazing daughters. she and i travel well together and it was a good experience for me. the hard thing was trying to build a relationship while being half way around the world. it taught me a lot about myself and my boundaries. it also taught me a lot about love. it showed me that i can endure very difficult things (as if we didn't already know that) and come out on the other side in one piece. i have always known this about myself deep down, but this brought it to light.
another thing i learned was that i am a down-ass-bitch and a brilliant young woman. i am willing to make sacrifices and compromises for the things that are important to me without sacrificing myself. it has been a hard balance, but for me, the feelings have endured and although the present state of things is not ideal, i know that what i feel is true. i know that no matter what happens, i have been completely honest with myself. no more punk rock nightmares, no more addicts and alcoholics. no more delusional distractions from my personal demons. only loving people who i love who love me. people who see me for what i really am and still like me. people that i can spend days on end with and not get sick of them. people that feel like home. love is one of those things that you can try and try to describe, but it just makes you completely retarded. yep, love makes you retarded. you trip, fall, stumble, stutter, fumble, and slip. but it feels really nice sometimes. other times, it feels like hell. but we endure.