winter break

my eyes reach across the dense yet charmingly cozy landscape that is San Francisco. the past year of my life has been spent running circles around my two lives. when i was younger i had my palm read and the person told me that i have two life lines which means that i will always live two lives, always walk down two paths and always struggle to keep them in balance.
So as I stand atop twin peaks, gazing down at this place that is so familiar to me, i am comforted knowing that although progress has taken its toll on our little city, the landscape remains essentially the same. the silhouette of the monstrous tower condominiums looms next to the bay bridge as a sign of progress for the sake of progress. San Francisco cannot expand laterally anymore, so it must go up. I question whether we can fit anymore people here.
While i watch the Los Angeles urban and suburban sprawl spread like cancer over the once serene flat lands and the smog reach its soot-covered hands out to what used to be wetlands and Indian territory, I wonder if San Francisco will ever get that bad and I pray that it won't.
I spent a lot of time this break contemplating myself and where i fit in this world. i live in a metropolitan area that is very different from most metropolitan areas and when i am in LA i live in a working class area with people who look like me and work like my parents work and earn the wages my parents earn.
As i strive to do well in my department at school i wonder what effect my demographics will have on the work world when i enter it. i am entering a field that gives you a one shot chance at either being great or being doomed to be poor and homeless. Since concept art is so competitive, i want to up my game this semester so that i can equal if not surpass my classmates. five drawing classes should do the trick. but i wonder, when this is all said and done, if i get an amazing high paying job, will i still be able to harbor the same values that i do now? or will i be sucked down into the abyss of the workaholic and the strive for a bigger paycheck?
It seems as though in the art world you are either on top or you're a nobody. there are a few freelance and independent artists that are breaking these boundaries lately, but it is rare and you still have to know the right people and the right people still have to know you. networking is a three-headed demon that can either make or break your career. if the right people remember you for the right reasons, you can make it big. if they dont remember you at all, or worse, if they remember you but hate you, you're S.O.L.

Let's get one thing straight. I am not, nor have I ever been or doubtfully will be one of those people that lives in their sketchbook. I try and try to sit myself down and sketch for hours. Often, at most, i get about an hour of work done. Soon thereafter, i start either hating everything i've drawn, or i just go stir crazy and throw the damned thing across the room. the edges of the page seem limiting to me and i long for a bigger canvas. i long for the medium, space, and skill to make the pictures in my head a reality. Much of the time, these representations come out muddled, half-assed, or just plane ugly. i think the best bet for me at this point is a multimedia project where i can just let loose. again, time, space, medium, skill, all factors in the completion of the piece. not to mention that i have no idea what to make it about. as a concept artist i must discipline myself to draw draw draw. no sleep, just draw, no eat, just draw, no life, just draw. but many of you who know me would say, "F* that!"
...and i agree. the pull between my personal life and my art life is strong and unyielding. it is relentless and un-tamable. my art side is an amorphous being that swirls with colors and undefinable shapes that choke me in my sleep. and my personal life is like an angry tree goddess curled in the corner of my mind, ready to strangle me with her long branches at any moment for neglecting her.
i must find a metaphorical rolling pin with which to roll myself out to a medium thickness without bubbles or rips so that i may comfortably fit over the pie that is my life.