if you're not first, you're last: an introspection pertaining to the digital art field

yes, it's true.

i am in the digital field. i am majoring in digital media. which means that when i get out of school my occupation choices include but are not limited to movie, video game, web, and commercial production. this may sound thrilling to those 3D and movie enthusiasts, and to an extent it does to me too. but i don't know, it just kind of seems like there's something else out there for me.


Otis is not one of those schools you go to in order to figure out what you want to do with your life. you kind of have to know already. and i thought i knew. and then i changed my mind. i don't want to always paint, and i don't want to always be on the computer. and i want to draw.


so i thought to myself, can all of these come together into some kind of mega-major? and the answer then came to me. CONCEPT ART. with concept art, i could paint, draw, and be on the computer! Concept art would allow me to create characters, story boards, environments, costumes and all kinds of other creative things. i would be the idea person. i would be edgy, new, exciting and provocative. only...it's not really a major, in fact, it's kind of the under dog of the department. and while i'm not the best draftsman, i'm also not the worst.


let's break it up into sections. so there's the top, the middle, and the bottom. and each of those sections has three subsequent sections. so one's position on the scale can also be put into a number value ranging from 1-9.


when i was in high school, i was in the middle of the top, artwise. an 8 on the number scale. i was voted most creative 3 years in a row. i always got A++es in art class or on any project that had an art component.
when i started my first year at Otis College of Art and Design, however, that all changed. after my first life drawing class, i deduced that i was now in the top of the bottom, a 3. after a semester of trying and failing and feeling ultimately pathetic, i made my way toward the bottom of the middle. this can be translated into approximately a 3.7 on the scale.


it was shortly after this failure that i came to the conclusion that the only thing that any of us at Otis had in common was that at some point, someone in our lives told us we were creative. like, "hey, you know what? you're really creative. do that".


i wanted to find that person and punch them in the face.


throughout my sophomore year my skills increased steadily and i found myself in the mid-top-middle, at about a 5.6 on the scale. in my class there are about 5 students that are into concept that i would consider at the top of the top. then there are a few, between five to twelve of us that are somewhere floating in the middle range. this is quite a big range. between a 4 and a 6.9, the skills vary, some are better at figures, some are better at drapery, some are geniuses of color. but we all bond in the fact that we are not the best and we are not the worst. meanwhile, all of the 8-9 range artists pretend that they suck, so as to look humble, "oh, this really isn't that good"... this left me in a state of complacency. at this point, i could steadily get better and rest knowing that i could coast through my education with minimal effort and that somewhere in the work world, there was a mediocre job at a mediocre company out there waiting for me.


but was this good enough?


for me? an overachiever? a dedicated do-gooder? a perfectionist extraordinaire? no way. i wanted a way to go out average and come back a genius.

as my junior year approaches. i wonder, is this the right major for me? is wanting to make doodling into a career really worth $150,000? the question still begs. will i ever approach the 7-8 range? will all the money that i spend on this education get me to the top? or does it really require that much external effort? do you only get out what you put into it?

i have resolved to be motivated, disciplined, and patient in my pursuit of higher artistic enlightenment.

do i really even want a job in the digital field? do i want to work in movies? everyone else seems to have a grasp on what they want to do when they get out of school. i, however, am still in limbo. being a perfectionist, i have a need to always be in control of my life and the things around me. being in art school has made me learn a lesson in acceptance of my current situation, keeping in mind that it is temporary. i am learning to deal with uncertainty. it has been quite a journey.

so will i be content with my decisions? will i be able to tailor my education to my specific needs as a half assed perfectionist? i guess we'll see.

or will all of this time money and effort go to somewhat of a waste and will i end up just writing and drawing comic books like i planned and doing hair on the side to pay the bills?