Full-tilt Boogie, and other thoughts

As i procrastinate, i am thinking of movement.
I am working on my thesis, and working on my life.
Movement is so strange. sometimes there are points in your life where everything is swirling around you so fast that you can't seem to get a hold on anything. other times it is moving so slow that you feel like you are stuck and can't even take a step forward. currently, i am experiencing both. which i thought could never happen. school is moving so quickly that as i watch the calendar days fall away, i am becoming increasingly paranoid about what i am going to do after graduation. step one is to graduate, obviously. step two is to go home. i have decided that i cannot stay in LA after graduation. i need to go home and reconnect with myself. this place makes you forget who you are. over the past four years, it has slowly sucked out my soul. this may sound negative, but for me, going home is a positive thing. i need to be back in my element again, but i also need to renew myself in San Francisco. i cannot go back and fit into the same life that i had before i left. i am not the same puzzle piece as before. i have changed so drastically, that i expect it to feel somewhat like moving to a whole new city. one that i have never experienced before. my anxiety is mostly around finding a job up there that suits me. but i really don't have time to worry about that, it will come sooner than later and i can deal with it then. for now, i have to face the reality that i have about six weeks to get all of my paintings done in order to have enough time to properly prepare my senior show. its flying by, and i'm hoping to have a grasp on it in the next two weeks.

the slow part of my life is the personal part. i have been sitting, stagnant, for months. after a parting of ways, i was extremely upset, disoriented, and lost. i was in a real bad way. after sitting on my parents' couch for all of winter break, crying myself to sleep every night, and eating everything that could possibly fit in my mouth, i decided to get up. i couldn't sit and wait around for things to change, i had to make the changes myself. and now that things are coming full circle (slowly but surely-ish) i find myself having to be patient in a way that i never have before. i am forced to just sit and watch the days drag on. there is nothing i can do about it, there is nothing i can say to speed up the process. i have to wait. i hate waiting. i am a very impatient person. but if i rush things, i know it's going to blow up in my face. so in the meantime, while the magic does its work, and while the universe sorts things out, putting them into little files and pulling out old ones and moving them around, i sit.

there is a push and pull that is happening as a result of this dichotomy. i am flying around, trying to get all this work done, but then, out of nowhere, comes a moment of absolute stillness. sometimes it's peaceful and calming. other times it is unsettling and it makes me anxious. i don't know exactly how i am supposed to handle these two opposing parts of my life, but i am doing my best to be patient and keep working through them.

when i feel rushed, the slowness is where i want to be, and when i feel stuck, i crave the movement. it feels like i am in a whirlpool, being tugged around and sucked into the center. hopefully there will be answers there?

for now, i have no time for stillness in my work. i have to produce and i have no other option. i am letting the stillness be the top of the river water, looking calm and slow, and the movement be the undercurrent, ready to suck down anything that should so happen to dive in. that's a little terrifying, maybe i need a better analogy.

the only comfort i have is that time will keep ticking. and i will eventually come to an answer. everything is going to happen the way its going to happen, and when its going to happen. and it won't happen any other way.

presently, i am full-tilt boogie (as my teacher would say) on my work. taking a moment to pause, and enjoy the still quiet that surrounds me.