lost in lost angeles

written sometime during midterms week:


lately, i have been drawn to the water. and not in a, "hey lets go to the beach sometime" way, but in a "i need to go to the beach and jump in the water NOW" way. i have been four times in the past week or so, three times to dockweiler and once to big dume. if you can make it out there, big dume is worth the trip, its rocky and there's a reef, but there are also tons of freckled little blond boys running around and clean water and awesome tide pools.

i approach the shore hesitantly. i have not been in the water in months. as the mother ocean greets me, i step into the water, the familiar cold sensation rushing through my legs. i feel the sand under my toes. i wiggle them. i look out toward the horizon and inhale deeply, sensing the cold mist filling my lungs.
something inside me crinkles and cracks open like the crust on the top of sand when the salt mixes with the sand when the tide has gone out. it looks solid from afar, but when you step on it, it breaks open to reveal the warm soft sand underneath.

there is something so alluring for me about the beach. i can remember being drawn equally when i was a child, looking out onto the shore from the car and yearning to run full force out into the water. it's not a simple or subtle thing. it's an overwhelming and powerful need. A need in the way that one needs to breathe. i don't feel truly at peace unless i am near water. river, stream, creek, ocean, rain, any body of water will do. fresh or salt, the water makes me feel at home.
having lived in san francisco for all of my life has harbored this need to be near the water. when you are surrounded by water on 3 sides, you kind of can't get away from it. it becomes part of your life. bridges and shores, fisherman and small boats, boat houses, glass beach, sunsets, sunrise. the clearest you've ever seen are on the san francisco shores. nothing is as pure or untainted for me. i am sure that somewhere in nature there is something more pure, but for me, it is the clearest thing i have seen in my travels. from the shores of mexico to the beaches in egypt, i have seen nothing better than a sunrise at the pier in san francisco, and i have seen many.

the world is complicated and i find myself so restricted when i am at school, working, with friends, or elsewhere. even when i am by myself, i feel, at times, so held in. but when i am in the ocean, in the water, i am free. i am myself at the most pure state. i am in my element. i walk through the water away from the shore, towards the great open space held before me. the horizon seems infinitely far away. if i had a boat i would sail toward it until i cold take it in my hands and hold it.
when i am hurting, emotionally or physically, the only medicine that seems to cure me is the salty sea air. a wash in the ocean.

the cold water licks my legs and pulls me forward. i tuck my dress up around my thighs and walk in farther. seaweed swirls around my ankles, teasing and taunting me to go farther. the waves rise like flames and engulf my waist, wrapping around me like the arms of a lover. the sand brushes past my feet and i feel as though i am floating on the surface of some wave, i watch and wait for the water to beckon me more. we play a game. we push and pull each other back and forth. i dare it to come out and it dares me to walk in. we flirt and dance, i walk with a swirling motion, gravity no longer affecting me, like a soft tango or waltz.

then she starts to push. she senses my uncertainty and knows that if i go in further i will not return to shore, i will wade there forever in the surf, content to abandon civilization. so she pushes me out, waves slapping my legs hard, like a mother wolf pushing its pups toward food. she pushes and i follow her lead, slowly retreating to the sand, to the shore. she enjoys the visit, but will not indulge in keeping me for herself.
i return to the shore, tingling and cold, covered in salt and sand, in a complete state of bliss and enjoyment.
we have bonded for as long as it took for me to reconnect with her. we danced, we swayed, we played and sang. and when it was time, she sent be back, with clarity and peace as a farewell.